A Wounded Heart

Psalm 109:22  “For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, my heart began to pound in my chest.  I could hardly swallow.  I would not cry again, so I fought to hold back the tears and tried to quiet my mind.  It seemed the hurt followed me everywhere.  I was at my happy place, the beach!  It was early morning.  I had my coffee in hand, my Bible in my lap and I was watching the sun brighten up the morning out over the ocean.  It had only been a little over a week since I had the joy and great privilege to experience one of the happiest times in my life. Roger and I had just celebrated our 35^th wedding anniversary by renewing our vows; our four sons and their families (16 grandchildren in all now!) with us for a whole week, my parents and brothers and their families, Roger’s mom and one of his brothers and a nephew, close friends in the area, and some of our church family all with us to share in the joy…it was an amazing week.  Still, the hurt found me. And it had been nearly three months. 

After taking a moment to pray and write down what I was feeling in my journal, I turned back to the Scripture to try to finish my morning devotional time.  I have often strongly encouraged others to be intentional and consistent with this alone time with the Savior, because I know what it has meant to me.  It only makes sense after all.  Keeping any relationship strong means spending time together, getting to know each other better, growing together, communicating with each other.  Because this was now a “habit”, albeit a good one, in my life now, this time with Jesus was my stay.  I also knew that because I had learned over the years that God is faithful to keep His promises, faithful to be true to His Word, to His character, He would meet me now as in other painful times past, and His healing would come. 

The challenge was for me to be faithful to continue to seek Him out, be in His Word so He could use it to comfort and teach and strengthen. Stay connected to His people rather than withdraw.  Listen to music that proclaims His truth, fosters praise in my soul and lifts my spirit when I don’t feel like singing.  It is not always easy when you are hurting.  For me even breathing was too much effort some days or so it seemed.  But God….did you hear that?!  But God! (and boy am I glad there is a “but God!”)  But God is strong.  But God is always there.  But God is faithful; I can depend on Him to carry me through, strengthen me in my weakness, dry my tears with His Words of comfort, send a shoulder for me to cry on, hugs just when I need them.  When I am in His Word on a regular basis He uses it to say just the right thing at the right time to speak peace to my wounded heart, just like He did today.  It is one of the ways I know it is Him that is speaking, I didn’t just pick and choose favorite or familiar passages, although I do that too after my “routine”, if you want to call it that, Bible reading because just reading His Word brings calm and hope. 

Oh, the ache of a wounded heart.  It happens.  We are rejected; we are used, taken advantage of.  We love and extend ourselves only to have it thrown back in our face like it meant nothing.  Then there is the heartbreak, the burden of knowing that someone you love has made wrong choices and will have to live with those choices.  Even if they don’t ever want to make things right with you again, what about God? What will it take to bring them back to God? This was not just hurt feelings.   Sin is involved.  Roger and I were just hurt in the process.  How did they allow themselves to inflict such hurt and still claim to be following the God of the Bible?  He doesn’t treat people that way.  Well, that is God’s concern, especially if they truly belong to Him.  I have to leave it with Him!

Keep reading, Ang.  How does Psalm 109 speak to my wounded heart?  It directs my heart, and my emotions…since that is really the problem, how I am feeling right now…back to Him in two ways:

1) Pray; I’ve already done that.  Yes, but I must keep praying, keep giving it back to God when the hurt creeps over me.  And the anger,. Yes anger.  That’s just part of the “hurt” territory, anger at having been treated so wrongly and so carelessly.  Psalm 109 is one long prayer. 

                “God, don’t close your ear to my prayer!  Wicked people are telling lies about me.  They are saying things that are not true.  People are saying hateful things about me.  People are attacking me for no reason.  I loved them, but they hate me.  So, now I am praying to you, God.  I did good things to those people but they are doing bad things to me.  I loved them, but they hated me.”  (verses 1-5 ERV)

The prayer continues, and I must say, as I read I begin to think, “Wow, maybe what happened to me is not so bad.  I know the psalmist is speaking out of hurt, and that is so easy to do.  But I really don’t want bad things to happen to them because of what they did to me.  I just want God to heal my wounded heart.  My prayer begins to change to one for them as well as what I’m asking God to do for me.    Reading His Word and praying begins to change me. 

2) Praise; hard to do.  Yes, it is but start.  Just speak His name, even in a quiet whisper.  “Jesus!”  He hears.  The psalmist got to this point.  Consider verse 30: 

                “I will greatly praise the Lord with my mouth; yea, I will praise Him among the multitude.”

Casting Crowns sings a song, “Praise You In This Storm”   It is just one of many songs that helped me during this time.  Keep praying, keep praising.  Let Him help you rise above the hurt.  Let Him heal your wounded heart. 

He is healing mine. 

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

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In the Quiet

I'm up early, like 5:00 a.m. early...couldn't sleep.  But I needed this time.  Been thinking all night on Psalm 104:1; "Bless the Lord, O my soul.  O Lord my God, you are very great."

I don't praise Him nearly enough.  And lately I find myself just crying out to Him for one thing or another. Just in the last few weeks I have been weighed down by concerns for personal health issues; concerns for my parents and challenges they are facing because of age and health;  major changes and challenges at work that bring demands both physically and emotionally; and then heartbreak over the choices of those I love, feeling rejected, used, betrayed. Being in the parent role we're in to a number of young people has its rewards, but when you love deeply, you hurt deeply.  There's no getting around it.  Yet God knows that.  He is a loving Heavenly Father who has given greatly for our good, and His love and wisdom and help are not always accepted or appreciated by the likes of His stubborn children.  So I draw even closer to Him and with His help just rest in His love for me.  

But I'm not in prayer long for my own needs when my thoughts and prayers turn quickly to so many other precious people going through so much...sickness, loss, concerns over jobs and finances...hurting, burdened people.  So I pray more.  I know it matters.  I know God hears.  I trust Him, even though it's not always easy to patiently wait for Him to answer...and even harder to accept His answers when they may not be what I would want. But that is why I am who I am, and He is Who He is....very great.  And I have allowed my circumstances, and even the concern I have for others, to overshadow that greatness.  I see it.  I know it to be true.  He has saved me.  He loves me in spite of myself.  He has been so gracious to allow me to have experienced such a full and wonderful life.  He has brought so many wonderful people across my path.  I am awed by His creation...looking out over this mountain ridge this morning, seeing the fog lift and sun break through...what beauty!  I close my eyes and I can almost feel an ocean breeze blowing across my face and the calming affect of the waves rolling in as I sit on a sandy beach. It blows me away every time I get to experience it, and my God created it.  Yes, He is great.  

O God, I praise You today.  I just lift my heart in awe of Your greatness.  You are still in charge, of all the intricacies of life, the workings of man, the nature of governments, Your creation.  Today I want to set aside the tendency to see all the negative, and just embrace all the beauty and the glory around me, letting it recharge my soul and enlarge my hope and expectations in You.  I praise You for so many answers to prayer and that You are even mindful of my needs and concerns.  I praise You for giving Your powerful and alive Word to live by and trust in; I am so very grateful for our precious ever growing family.  I praise you for sweet fellowship with other believers, and for the blessing of friendship, and the promise of heaven and Your return.  

"Bless the Lord O my soul; O Lord my God, Thou art very great."  

Just a Walk in the Park

Today, Rog and I took a time-out.  We grabbed a sub from Scheetz and headed to Grandview, an area national park.  Although we are out there quite often, especially with our guys from the ranch hiking trails, it has been years since it has just been the two of us to walk them together.  I commented while we ate, that as much as I love the beach, my beach in particular I call it, the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and as much as I miss it and think about it, I feel privileged to live here in West Virginia.  It’s a beautiful place year-round that God has allowed us to call home for these nearly twenty years now.   

Did I just say twenty years?  Most definitely.  Just one span of life events that have brought us to where we are today.  Days are so full, but I think we’ve learned, and continue to learn ways to pace ourselves and keep life in perspective. While strolling through a bargain outlet just yesterday, I picked up a little book on stress of all things!  One of its many insightful thoughts follows. 

                “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things¹.”

 I find myself doing this a lot, especially on days like today when I can walk a trail with my hubby.  I don’t take that time for granted.  Moments like that are already a “big thing”, not something I’ll just look back on and remember how precious they were.  Here are a few of my “big things” just this week:

                enjoying the smell of puppy breath from our new Aussie pup Tilly and hearing the squeals from the grandchildren as they play together; 

               watching a sci-fi with Roger, Jordan, and a couple of our ranch guys that made me shriek and cover my eyes!  (who wants to see someone eaten by a giant mole-rat!);

                being startled, then awed as a deer crossed our path on our hike then stopped just feet away as if to give us a chance to just enjoy his graceful beauty;

                driving a winding country road with the windows down and the music up, eating ice cream and singing along to a favorite song.  

 Yet, I’ve had occasion to worry and fret.  What I didn’t mention was that also this week my son began his rigorous testing in preparation to give one of his kidneys to his son awaiting transplant.  My phone rang at 6:15 this morning.  Our oldest son was on the way to the hospital with his wife who is expecting their fourth child…she’s not due until October.  Our air conditioner went out and we were told today it would have to be replaced…at an estimated cost of around $3600.00.  I’ve spent time on the phone, and at the police station as a victim of credit card fraud, making sure that I don’t continue to be used to fund someone else’s vacation, shopping spree, new car!!  (Yes, application was made for a $12,000 draw against Capitol One Visa for a used car!) I’ve had Jordan at the doctor again, as I have repeatedly over the last month, this time for a ct scan, trying to determine the source of her health issue.  So, more time spent on the phone and visiting the doctor’s offices, both her regular doctor and now a specialist, the express clinic, the hospital, the diagnostic testing center, etc…only to wait for follow-up or more testing.  I continue to seek God for wisdom and patience in dealing with one of the most challenging groups of boys we’ve been blessed to minister to at the ranch, from their explosive anger to their disheartening apathy. 

Whether it’s chaos or concern, my heart immediately goes to prayer.  I pray because calm is not always my immediate reaction.  A confident rest in the knowledge that God is always in control is not always my immediate reaction.  As I lift the moment to God, I fret only a moment rather than hours or days, and that is a great victory for me.  I may have to take it (whatever it happens to be at the time) to Him over and over again as the power of human emotion settles over me and tries to fuel anxiety.  But that’s okay.  God meets me in my moment every time. 

Just a walk in the park? No, for me it was a great deal more.   And it came just in time, since we arrived home only to find that the dishwasher had died! 

 “…take your cares outdoors, breathe deeply of the fresh air, walk among tall trees, and lift your eyes upward.  You will quickly realize that no matter what obstacles you are facing, you and your worries are only a small part of the greater universe designed by our Creator².” 

 

Do you need a time-out?

 ¹Robert Brault; from Stress Less and Enjoy Each Day, David Zerfoss

²David Zerfoss; Stress Less and Enjoy Each Day

Ephraim's Nurse

I sat in church Sunday evening listening to my son, Daniel, preach.  He was speaking on the providence of God, and everything in me was straining to listen and grab hold in faith of this great Truth.  As the message from the book of Esther developed, I prayed silently the familiar words of scripture, “…for such a time as this.” We had received news that morning that the dialysis that had been so desperately avoided for our grandson was now inevitable.  Ephraim’s kidney was failing and without it, he would not make it to transplant.

God had so graciously sustained his little kidney so far.  Transplant was right around the corner; the first stage of testing already scheduled.  He would soon be four years old when they said he shouldn’t have lived.  So why dialysis now when it could be so detrimental to transplant readiness in the long run? I believe God is Sovereign, and that He is in control even in dark days, even when His children are in disobedience, just as Dan was sharing.  The timing of the message itself was providential.  I needed this reminder that my faithful and loving God was without a doubt still in control.  While my heart silently cried and prayed, God silently worked. 

 

In the book of Esther, God’s name is not mentioned but His silent work is undeniably evidenced.  And so we would see it be so with Ephraim.  The next day while Rebecca was with Ephraim, undergoing that first round of dialysis, our son Seth called to tell us about what he described as “an awesome God moment”.  I listened intently, curious but   grateful to hear the encouragement and excitement in his voice as he shared about Ephraim’s nurse.

On that same Sunday morning that I wrestled with the providence of God, another woman wrestled with God about going to church, knowing she should be worshipping and serving Him again.  Once the decision was made, the question remained as to where to attend.  She realized a church was meeting right across the street from her house in a school, and decided to try it.  At some point during the service, a blog was read by a young woman named Rebecca with a son named Ephraim that would soon be facing dialysis while waiting for a kidney transplant if God did not intervene.  Her ears perked up.  She was a dialysis nurse.  As the church brought this family before God, she joined in prayer for them even without knowing them.  What she did know was the ordeal dialysis could be.  The next morning when she arrived at work and was handed her chart, she was surprised to find that she had been assigned to none other than the little boy that she had prayed for.  When she met Rebecca, she pulled her aside and began to share this “no accident” incident.  Nurse Andrea would be right by Ephraim’s side for the duration. 

“Momma, God is still using Ephraim.  I know we didn’t want the dialysis to happen, but God did!” Seth explained.  “It’s going to be ok.” 

What had been so clouded was now profoundly clear!  God was right there, silently working in providence His sovereign will.  God was right there, in that room, holding Ephraim’s hand through a caring, providentially chosen, nurse.  He chose her for Ephraim, and Ephraim’s situation at this time was for her. 

I know I often underestimate God’s providence, but it is real and it is powerful.  In His sovereignty He is silently at work in the details of our lives. 

 

Just ask Ephraim’s nurse.