But Jesus. Sweet Jesus. He knows. He always knows, and meets me where I am. When I’m too tired. Too frail. Too weary. When it’s all too much. When I just want to be done. When I just want it all to go away.
But then…it has never been about me holding onto Him. Reaching, begging, crying, straining to get a grip…no, it has only and always been about Him holding me. It’s about Him cradling me, His child, with great grace. With unfailing love and mercies that truly are new every morning like His Word says, and I know why. Because—-I.need.them. Every.day.
This time was no different. You would think by now I could ward it off, see it coming. Prepare myself, prevent it somehow. Do something.
But no, most times I just can’t. Sometimes before I can call out in prayer, or go to the Word, or take a deep breath, there it is again. Enveloping me in it’s hideous blackness. Causing me to hate myself. My failure. My frailty. My lack of faith. Descending on me, ruthless to seal the defeat with hardness. Wanting me to just say it. There’s no hope.
What I know? That He relentlessly comes to me with gentle nudges to listen, to obey, and to wait as He ministers to me. Gentle nudges to turn the worship music up—LOUD. Gentle whispers to grab my Bible, and even if I can’t read it, to hold it—tightly, closely. Gentle stirrings to just wait, weep, and let His love caress me. To let His song sing over me, drawing my heart’s gaze upward. To let the groanings of my soul make their way heavenward until I am resting. Quietly just resting. Resting in Grace. Being held. Being healed.
As He sings over me I know I will sing again, maybe even today. I will find the circumstances under my feet as I lift my heart and hands to Him. The current moment of darkness does not define me. Does not control me. Will not gain the upper hand because…
I belong to Him. His love for me is almost unbelievable. But I DO believe. And He comes to me and proves His love and faithfulness all over again. I am able to pick up the Word and read it’s comforting message. An empowering message. A message of love and untold compassion for one He died for, one He lives through by His Sweet Spirit. For one He holds and carries and forgives and embraces.
There will be other dark seasons. I know. I have lived a thousand of them. But because I belong to Him, I am not alone in the darkness. I may struggle to breathe. I may struggle to pray. I may struggle to open myself again to love and to give. But I will. Not because I’m able to somehow get a grip. No, it’s about Jesus’ grip on me.
The darkness has no hold on me.
Because of Jesus.
“He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; He snapped their chains. Let them praise the Lord for His great love and for the wonderful things He has done for them.”
Psalms 107:14-15
