Keeping Hope Alive

“In everything [even the storms, italics mine] you are enriched by Him.”  I Corinthians 1:5

Are you weary tender heart?

Be glad of pain.

In sorrow sweetest virtues grow, as flowers in rain.

God watches, and you will have sun,

When clouds their perfect work have done.  

___Lucy Larcom, Streams in the Desert

Nearly a year ago now the clouds began to descend.  There had been a few squalls, but nothing like this.  The dark, destructive storm cloud spread over us and relentlessly rained down the unexpected and undesired.  For the past ten months or so now there has been one hardship, one difficulty, one blow after another.  It has tried its best to beat us down in its destructive wake.  But even the rumblings and thunderings have been a comfort; even the fierce winds are soothing; even the sharp lightnings have spoken peace to our hearts...because we are sheltered.  We are safe in the care of our God.  That assurance has not lessened the impact of the sudden and unexpected set of circumstances we found ourselves in, and not due to any choice of our own.  But then things often happen that are beyond our control, especially as it relates to the choices of others that directly affect us, and that sting is an especially nasty one.

I remember talking on occasion with my Dad (I call him Diddy) when something would happen...an engine would blow in a car, someone lost a job, someone has cancer and he would calmly say, “Sug (pronounced shug, short for sugar!), it’s just one of those things.”  He wasn’t being nonchalant or unfeeling.  He was just saying in few words that life happens.  There are some things that just come with living this life and we’re better off to embrace it for what it is and trust God through it rather than resist it or resent it or try to control it in someway.  

That dark cloud?  We lost over half our income in a very unexpected, cutthroat manner.  Just like that, ten years callously thrown in our face. But oh we have seen the hand of God at work in it all, protecting, providing, guiding, sustaining, directing.  Just like Joseph of old in the Scripture we can say, “You meant it for evil against me, but God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20).  And there has been a lot of good, glimmers of His light in the dark cloud, reassuring us of His presence.  One of those is the fact that my mother-in-law is still with us.  Since December we have been to doctor’s, specialists visits, tests, hospital ER’s, only to have an ulcer finally perforate leaving her septic.  A four-week hospital stay, another four-week nursing home stay followed.  She’s 82.  I could not leave her alone in a hospital, traumatized over an hour away.  Roger came practically every day.  She is home now, but still having therapy 2-3 times a week.  Daily care for her and oversight of her medications, continued doctor’s visits is ongoing.  

We’ve also been able to see a family business come to fruition during this time.  My son has been praying for some time and sensed the time was right to take the plunge and take oversight of Top Knot Coffee and Artisan Shop.  It’s alpaca themed, an expansion of the farm (that some might think we would have lost by now, and we’re very aware of that very real possibility as the storm continues; but so far God has chosen otherwise and we are grateful and humbled).  But even in all the excitement and the demands of getting the shop up and going, Dan and Steph lost their 7th child.  Yet another completely unexpected heartbreak.  Asher Lee was birthed stillborn April 24th.  We have grieved and cried, and seen God give great grace and comfort to keep us moving forward even in the heartbreak.  

Ever tried to wait out a storm only to feel like it’s never going to end?  Well, not done yet!  On the farm there has been one equipment failure after another with limited to no funds for repairs, leaving my husband heavy with the weight of seeing our beautiful farm somewhat a mess.  But even in this, the raw beauty shines through.  Yes, there are parts that are not neatly landscaped.  The flower beds are a bit overgrown, but the animals are healthy, the pastures are green, and a garden is growing.  

Financially our resources have dwindled, especially with the start up of the Coffee shop...but it IS started, and with no debt.  Dan left a stable income to be the proprietor, and why not?  Three incomes down?  All the more opportunity for God to show Himself very real, and very involved in our lives.  If we fail, it won’t be because we didn’t try or because God is not faithful.  It will be because His plans for us involve something different that He has not chosen to show us...just yet!  One of the key thoughts for us in all of this that has helped us keep our eyes on Christ and off of ourselves (pity parties are such a waste!) is, that this is not about us.  It really isn’t.  We’re involved, yes.  We’re staying in His Word, praying, attempting to honor Christ in our situation and we know He will care for us.  This is about what He chooses for us at any given time, and believe me, I am constantly throwing myself at His feet and leaning hard on His promises, allowing His great grace to wash over me.  If not , the flesh takes over way too often and the emotions get all out of control….and God is limited.  

We’re not sure where it’s all going, where we will end up, how it will all turn out.  What we do know is that the storm will end.  We belong to Christ and we can trust Him.  That’s not a flippant acceptance of something I can’t change, or a “Christian cliche or platitude” (I hate those).  That is a reality that changes me and keeps me tender, and allows God to continue to work.  It releases the power of Christ to accomplish His plan and purpose in my storm.  And let me say this….this is “my storm”.  I do not get involved in the business of comparing storms.  Oh there are so many hurting people out there.  I can see people reeling from the devastation a dark storm cloud has left.  People I love, and even people I don’t know, dealing with death and loss, crushed relationships, poverty, sickness, and the babies...the babies I have prayed for lately that are suffering from complications at birth; the parents making heart-wrenching decisions.  But I trust them to Christ also.  I offer compassion, not judgment.  Help, not those useless platitudes, which means sometimes, nothing is the best thing to say. Just pray and be available.  They don’t even have to know you are doing it!  

When the storms come, and they will, lean hard on Jesus.  He is faithful.  He is strong.  He is sweet and ever so tender as a loving forever friend is.  He’s not necessarily keeping all the bad from happening--no, a friend can’t do that.  But He is close, breathing His precious promises into my soul, keeping hope alive.  

God watches, and you will see the sun!  

Some Bible passages that I have held onto lately:  

“Let us your servants, see you work again; let our children see your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful.  Yes, make our efforts successful!”  Psalm 90: 16-17

“And now Lord, I am your servant; do as you have promised concerning me and my family.  May it be a promise that will last forever. And may your name be established and honored forever.”  I Chronicles 17: 23-24

“We put our hope in the Lord.  He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.  Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.”  Psalm 33: 20-22

A Wounded Heart

Psalm 109:22  “For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, my heart began to pound in my chest.  I could hardly swallow.  I would not cry again, so I fought to hold back the tears and tried to quiet my mind.  It seemed the hurt followed me everywhere.  I was at my happy place, the beach!  It was early morning.  I had my coffee in hand, my Bible in my lap and I was watching the sun brighten up the morning out over the ocean.  It had only been a little over a week since I had the joy and great privilege to experience one of the happiest times in my life. Roger and I had just celebrated our 35^th wedding anniversary by renewing our vows; our four sons and their families (16 grandchildren in all now!) with us for a whole week, my parents and brothers and their families, Roger’s mom and one of his brothers and a nephew, close friends in the area, and some of our church family all with us to share in the joy…it was an amazing week.  Still, the hurt found me. And it had been nearly three months. 

After taking a moment to pray and write down what I was feeling in my journal, I turned back to the Scripture to try to finish my morning devotional time.  I have often strongly encouraged others to be intentional and consistent with this alone time with the Savior, because I know what it has meant to me.  It only makes sense after all.  Keeping any relationship strong means spending time together, getting to know each other better, growing together, communicating with each other.  Because this was now a “habit”, albeit a good one, in my life now, this time with Jesus was my stay.  I also knew that because I had learned over the years that God is faithful to keep His promises, faithful to be true to His Word, to His character, He would meet me now as in other painful times past, and His healing would come. 

The challenge was for me to be faithful to continue to seek Him out, be in His Word so He could use it to comfort and teach and strengthen. Stay connected to His people rather than withdraw.  Listen to music that proclaims His truth, fosters praise in my soul and lifts my spirit when I don’t feel like singing.  It is not always easy when you are hurting.  For me even breathing was too much effort some days or so it seemed.  But God….did you hear that?!  But God! (and boy am I glad there is a “but God!”)  But God is strong.  But God is always there.  But God is faithful; I can depend on Him to carry me through, strengthen me in my weakness, dry my tears with His Words of comfort, send a shoulder for me to cry on, hugs just when I need them.  When I am in His Word on a regular basis He uses it to say just the right thing at the right time to speak peace to my wounded heart, just like He did today.  It is one of the ways I know it is Him that is speaking, I didn’t just pick and choose favorite or familiar passages, although I do that too after my “routine”, if you want to call it that, Bible reading because just reading His Word brings calm and hope. 

Oh, the ache of a wounded heart.  It happens.  We are rejected; we are used, taken advantage of.  We love and extend ourselves only to have it thrown back in our face like it meant nothing.  Then there is the heartbreak, the burden of knowing that someone you love has made wrong choices and will have to live with those choices.  Even if they don’t ever want to make things right with you again, what about God? What will it take to bring them back to God? This was not just hurt feelings.   Sin is involved.  Roger and I were just hurt in the process.  How did they allow themselves to inflict such hurt and still claim to be following the God of the Bible?  He doesn’t treat people that way.  Well, that is God’s concern, especially if they truly belong to Him.  I have to leave it with Him!

Keep reading, Ang.  How does Psalm 109 speak to my wounded heart?  It directs my heart, and my emotions…since that is really the problem, how I am feeling right now…back to Him in two ways:

1) Pray; I’ve already done that.  Yes, but I must keep praying, keep giving it back to God when the hurt creeps over me.  And the anger,. Yes anger.  That’s just part of the “hurt” territory, anger at having been treated so wrongly and so carelessly.  Psalm 109 is one long prayer. 

                “God, don’t close your ear to my prayer!  Wicked people are telling lies about me.  They are saying things that are not true.  People are saying hateful things about me.  People are attacking me for no reason.  I loved them, but they hate me.  So, now I am praying to you, God.  I did good things to those people but they are doing bad things to me.  I loved them, but they hated me.”  (verses 1-5 ERV)

The prayer continues, and I must say, as I read I begin to think, “Wow, maybe what happened to me is not so bad.  I know the psalmist is speaking out of hurt, and that is so easy to do.  But I really don’t want bad things to happen to them because of what they did to me.  I just want God to heal my wounded heart.  My prayer begins to change to one for them as well as what I’m asking God to do for me.    Reading His Word and praying begins to change me. 

2) Praise; hard to do.  Yes, it is but start.  Just speak His name, even in a quiet whisper.  “Jesus!”  He hears.  The psalmist got to this point.  Consider verse 30: 

                “I will greatly praise the Lord with my mouth; yea, I will praise Him among the multitude.”

Casting Crowns sings a song, “Praise You In This Storm”   It is just one of many songs that helped me during this time.  Keep praying, keep praising.  Let Him help you rise above the hurt.  Let Him heal your wounded heart. 

He is healing mine. 

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

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"Fruitful in the Land of my Affliction"

Our youngest son Seth and his wife Rebecca have been on an incredible journey.  Their oldest child, one of our precious grandchildren, Ephraim Josiah, was born with….wait, first things first…he was born, and he lived.  He lived beyond what anyone had thought possible from a medical perspective.  Ephraim will be four years old on the 18^th of May. 

What a bright, beautiful child he is.  He has been through so much in his four years.  God has seen fit to sustain him with very minimal kidney function.  And even though there have been surgeries and procedures, medications and treatments, he has survived major setbacks, and thrived.  Now it is clear and a decision has been made to begin moving him through processing for a kidney transplant.  Seth, his daddy, is the first donor candidate and will soon begin the process as well. 

Rebecca emailed me today with a preview of Ephraim’s logo with COTA (Children’s Organ Transplant Association) that will be ascribed with the message “fruitful in the Land of my affliction”.  My thoughts went immediately to the Scripture in Psalm 119.

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn Thy statutes.”  “I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that Thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.  Let Thy merciful kindness be for my comfort.”  Ps. 119:71,75,76

Good? Good to be afflicted?  What a paradox.  But God specializes in those.  And I am so glad.  I would not want to even consider accepting the truth of it otherwise.  He is faithful, so I can trust Him.  I do that through faith, not dwelling on how I feel.  Knowing God is altogether Good, and that all He does He does with divine kindness that is beyond my ability to even understand, is the comfort that sustains. 

It is not just possible; being “fruitful in the land of my affliction” is a reality.  Ephraim is.  And he is not the only one.  God is great and God is good.  When we are confident that we are walking with Him, we can be confident He is with us in any and every affliction.  There are no accidents or mistakes with our loving Creator God and Savior, only divine appointments. 

Rest in Him.