A Wounded Heart

Psalm 109:22  “For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, my heart began to pound in my chest.  I could hardly swallow.  I would not cry again, so I fought to hold back the tears and tried to quiet my mind.  It seemed the hurt followed me everywhere.  I was at my happy place, the beach!  It was early morning.  I had my coffee in hand, my Bible in my lap and I was watching the sun brighten up the morning out over the ocean.  It had only been a little over a week since I had the joy and great privilege to experience one of the happiest times in my life. Roger and I had just celebrated our 35^th wedding anniversary by renewing our vows; our four sons and their families (16 grandchildren in all now!) with us for a whole week, my parents and brothers and their families, Roger’s mom and one of his brothers and a nephew, close friends in the area, and some of our church family all with us to share in the joy…it was an amazing week.  Still, the hurt found me. And it had been nearly three months. 

After taking a moment to pray and write down what I was feeling in my journal, I turned back to the Scripture to try to finish my morning devotional time.  I have often strongly encouraged others to be intentional and consistent with this alone time with the Savior, because I know what it has meant to me.  It only makes sense after all.  Keeping any relationship strong means spending time together, getting to know each other better, growing together, communicating with each other.  Because this was now a “habit”, albeit a good one, in my life now, this time with Jesus was my stay.  I also knew that because I had learned over the years that God is faithful to keep His promises, faithful to be true to His Word, to His character, He would meet me now as in other painful times past, and His healing would come. 

The challenge was for me to be faithful to continue to seek Him out, be in His Word so He could use it to comfort and teach and strengthen. Stay connected to His people rather than withdraw.  Listen to music that proclaims His truth, fosters praise in my soul and lifts my spirit when I don’t feel like singing.  It is not always easy when you are hurting.  For me even breathing was too much effort some days or so it seemed.  But God….did you hear that?!  But God! (and boy am I glad there is a “but God!”)  But God is strong.  But God is always there.  But God is faithful; I can depend on Him to carry me through, strengthen me in my weakness, dry my tears with His Words of comfort, send a shoulder for me to cry on, hugs just when I need them.  When I am in His Word on a regular basis He uses it to say just the right thing at the right time to speak peace to my wounded heart, just like He did today.  It is one of the ways I know it is Him that is speaking, I didn’t just pick and choose favorite or familiar passages, although I do that too after my “routine”, if you want to call it that, Bible reading because just reading His Word brings calm and hope. 

Oh, the ache of a wounded heart.  It happens.  We are rejected; we are used, taken advantage of.  We love and extend ourselves only to have it thrown back in our face like it meant nothing.  Then there is the heartbreak, the burden of knowing that someone you love has made wrong choices and will have to live with those choices.  Even if they don’t ever want to make things right with you again, what about God? What will it take to bring them back to God? This was not just hurt feelings.   Sin is involved.  Roger and I were just hurt in the process.  How did they allow themselves to inflict such hurt and still claim to be following the God of the Bible?  He doesn’t treat people that way.  Well, that is God’s concern, especially if they truly belong to Him.  I have to leave it with Him!

Keep reading, Ang.  How does Psalm 109 speak to my wounded heart?  It directs my heart, and my emotions…since that is really the problem, how I am feeling right now…back to Him in two ways:

1) Pray; I’ve already done that.  Yes, but I must keep praying, keep giving it back to God when the hurt creeps over me.  And the anger,. Yes anger.  That’s just part of the “hurt” territory, anger at having been treated so wrongly and so carelessly.  Psalm 109 is one long prayer. 

                “God, don’t close your ear to my prayer!  Wicked people are telling lies about me.  They are saying things that are not true.  People are saying hateful things about me.  People are attacking me for no reason.  I loved them, but they hate me.  So, now I am praying to you, God.  I did good things to those people but they are doing bad things to me.  I loved them, but they hated me.”  (verses 1-5 ERV)

The prayer continues, and I must say, as I read I begin to think, “Wow, maybe what happened to me is not so bad.  I know the psalmist is speaking out of hurt, and that is so easy to do.  But I really don’t want bad things to happen to them because of what they did to me.  I just want God to heal my wounded heart.  My prayer begins to change to one for them as well as what I’m asking God to do for me.    Reading His Word and praying begins to change me. 

2) Praise; hard to do.  Yes, it is but start.  Just speak His name, even in a quiet whisper.  “Jesus!”  He hears.  The psalmist got to this point.  Consider verse 30: 

                “I will greatly praise the Lord with my mouth; yea, I will praise Him among the multitude.”

Casting Crowns sings a song, “Praise You In This Storm”   It is just one of many songs that helped me during this time.  Keep praying, keep praising.  Let Him help you rise above the hurt.  Let Him heal your wounded heart. 

He is healing mine. 

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

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