I had been struggling for some time with the dark cloud that had been trying to envelop me. Then on Christmas Eve Eve...you know, the day before Christmas Eve, it only took one comment in a conversation to take me over the edge. And there I was, sinking deeper into the hole than I already was. All of sudden it was just too much for me. I was tired of fighting it off, and just tired, period. All I wanted to do was get home to my bed and bury myself in it. And I did.
Between periods of sleep and tears, my mind went back to a verse of Scripture that I had highlighted in my thru-the-Bible daily reading from Micah on December 21st. Something about falling, and darkness, and the enemy. It was talking about me.
“Rejoice not against me , O mine enemy; when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me...He will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold His righteousness.” Micah 7: 8-9
I slept until time for our candlelight service. I didn’t want to go, did not feel like going, but I did what I always do, I keep going, I push through because I’ve learned I’m better for it. The sleep and the prayerful tears, had strengthened me a bit. The heaviness was weighing on me physically now though as it normally does after a while; headache, weak knees, tender muscles. But I managed to begin the service with an opening carol on the piano, then sat down. While Rog (my husband) spoke about the Light that had come into the world of darkness, giving us Christmas, I wandered back to the verse I had seen in Micah. I knew the enemy was rejoicing against me. I couldn’t pull myself out of the dark pit. And I didn’t want to go any deeper. I had already been struggling for months. And it was Christmas for heaven’s sake! I really wanted to be able to enjoy this time with my family. I wanted to be able to worship unhindered and undistracted. Sometimes I could do things that would help….rest, watch what I eat, and always I stay in my Bible. Even when I read it and don’t remember what I’ve read, even if it’s just a verse, even if I just hold it and pray for God to bring it to memory when I don’t have it in me to read it...always, His Word is my stay.
This time was no different. I was just unable to see the depression lift this time before I slipped deeper still into the dark hole. It was suffocating me, but I held on. I kept going over and over the verses in Micah, and just thanking God for His love for me. I knew He was holding me even in the darkness. So regardless of how long it lasted or where it took me, He was with me. He was going to bring me out to the Light again in His time. His Word promised it.
On Christmas Eve Roger and I were to go on cottage at the children’s home where we work. We would just be there overnight. I had slept most of the day. I tried to eat a bit of dinner since I had eaten nothing since our breakfast on the 23rd. When I walked in, something broke. By the time we were getting into bed I knew it was lifting. I was exhausted, but excited because I knew God was working. Christmas day would be different!
The next morning Rog and I were up early, before the scheduled med time. One of the girls, seeing me come from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, came to me for a hug after getting her meds, before heading back to bed. She was struggling too, and I knew she was in somewhat of a dark hole herself, primarily of her own doing. I asked if I could share a verse of Scripture that had helped me, and she said yes. I shared Micah 7:8-9 and told her I was praying that she would be able to let Jesus be a light for her in her darkness. We talked for a bit, and she was able to go lie down again. By the time we were leaving, I knew His light in me was getting stronger again. Christmas would be merry and bright.
My depression has been a lifelong struggle. I’ve learned to manage it with the Lord’s help when I have an onset, but it never goes away completely. It just hides for a while. I’m just extremely grateful that in my darkest moments Christ has been there to comfort me, keep me from doing harm to myself, give me strength and resolve to not give up in despair, hope to hang on with confidence in His promises, and to give me joy, the deep ever-present joy of knowing Jesus loves me, has not and never will abandon me in my darkness and helplessness, keeps me safe in Him, and always brings me back.
Sitting in darkness is only a reminder of how bright and beautiful my Savior’s light really is.
December 26, 2015
