Sitting in Darkness

I had been struggling for some time with the dark cloud that had been trying to envelop me.  Then on Christmas Eve Eve...you know, the day before Christmas Eve, it only took one comment in a conversation to take me over the edge.  And there I was, sinking deeper into the hole than I already was.  All of sudden it was just too much for me.  I was tired of fighting it off, and just tired, period.  All I wanted to do was get home to my bed and bury myself in it.  And I did.  

Between periods of sleep and tears, my mind went back to a verse of Scripture that I had highlighted in my thru-the-Bible daily reading from Micah on December 21st.  Something about falling, and darkness, and the enemy.  It was talking about me.  

    “Rejoice not against me , O mine enemy; when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me...He will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold His righteousness.”  Micah 7: 8-9

I slept until time for our candlelight service.  I didn’t want to go, did not feel like going, but I did what I always do, I keep going, I push through because I’ve learned I’m better for it. The sleep and the prayerful tears, had strengthened me a bit.  The heaviness was weighing on me physically now though as it normally does after a while; headache, weak knees, tender muscles.  But I managed to begin the service with an opening carol on the piano, then sat down.  While Rog (my husband) spoke about the Light that had come into the world of darkness, giving us Christmas, I wandered back to the verse I had seen in Micah.  I knew the enemy was rejoicing against me.  I couldn’t pull myself out of the dark pit.  And I didn’t want to go any deeper.  I had already been struggling for months.  And it was Christmas for heaven’s sake!  I really wanted to be able to enjoy this time with my family.  I wanted to be able to worship unhindered and undistracted.  Sometimes I could do things that would help….rest, watch what I eat, and always I stay in my Bible.  Even when I read it and don’t remember what I’ve read, even if it’s just a verse, even if I just hold it and pray for God to bring it to memory when I don’t have it in me to read it...always, His Word is my stay.  

This time was no different. I was just unable to see the depression lift this time before I slipped deeper still into the dark hole. It was suffocating me, but I held on.  I kept going over and over the verses in Micah, and just thanking God for His love for me.  I knew He was holding me even in the darkness.  So regardless of how long it lasted or where it took me, He was with me.  He was going to bring me out to the Light again in His time.  His Word promised it.  

On Christmas Eve Roger and I were to go on cottage at the children’s home where we work.  We would just be there overnight.  I had slept most of the day. I tried to eat a bit of dinner since I had eaten nothing since our breakfast on the 23rd.  When I walked in, something broke.  By the time we were getting into bed I knew it was lifting.  I was exhausted, but excited because I knew God was working.  Christmas day would be different!  

The next morning Rog and I were up early, before the scheduled med time.  One of the girls, seeing me come from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, came to me for a hug after getting her meds, before heading back to bed.  She was struggling too, and I knew she was in somewhat of a dark hole herself, primarily of her own doing.  I asked if I could share a verse of Scripture that had helped me, and she said yes.  I shared Micah 7:8-9 and told her I was praying that she would be able to let Jesus be a light for her in her darkness.  We talked for a bit, and she was able to go lie down again. By the time we were leaving, I knew His light in me was getting stronger again.  Christmas would be merry and bright.  

My depression has been a lifelong struggle.  I’ve learned to manage it with the Lord’s help when I have an onset, but it never goes away completely.  It just hides for a while.  I’m just extremely grateful that in my darkest moments Christ has been there to comfort me, keep me from doing harm to myself, give me strength and resolve to not give up in despair, hope to hang on with confidence in His promises, and to give me joy, the deep ever-present joy of knowing Jesus loves me, has not and never will abandon me in my darkness and helplessness, keeps me safe in Him, and always brings me back.  

Sitting in darkness is only a reminder of how bright and beautiful my Savior’s light really is.  

December 26, 2015

Mad River Dash

“And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts….”

 

On Wednesday, I made a mad dash to the river over my lunch break.  As I was driving to “my spot” I just thanked the Lord that I live in such a beautiful place and that I worked closely enough to the river to be able to do this.  I pulled off and parked, rolled down the window and just listened and prayed.    The sound of the wind rustling through the trees, and the water rushing over the rocks was soul soothing.  It’s not “my beach”, but it’s a close second!  I was emotional, “worked up” over some things, letting myself get overwhelmed and out of sorts.  If I was going to get through the rest of the day and see it be productive…without snapping someone’s head off…I needed to seek out the Lord’s calm and help.   And just like God, He met me there.  I then took a few moments to renew my mind with some Scripture…thankful I had a signal on my phone and could pull up my Bible app!  I reflected back on my devotional reading from that morning then, it was back to work.   By the end of the day, I was surprised at how refreshed I was! 

 

But here I am again this morning…4:30 a.m. morning…once again seeking His peace.  That’s what happens when you go to bed with a troubled heart.  So when I opened my Bible app it didn’t surprise me to see this verse for the day from Colossians.  In fact, it made me smile.  For the second time this week, God was meeting me where I was and redirecting my focus back to Him, my Peace.  And not at the river this time, but in the quiet of my living room. 

 

There are so many things (and sometimes they’re big things) that happen in the course of a day that wear on my emotions.  And that’s most of my problem.  My emotions are like a roller coaster, and some days they take a huge hit.  At least now as I’ve grown in my walk with Christ, they’re more like the kiddy roller coasters.  The dips and turns aren’t nearly as huge!  But they still show up, because I feel things very deeply.  Those closest to me say “it’s the passion coming out”.  Passionate, that’s a nice way to put it I suppose!  I know that about myself and I’ve worked to temper the intensity because it’s usually misunderstood. I’ve come to accept that my strong personality is not always appreciated or understood.  So I’ve adapted, and it’s in these moments when I’m struggling with the side of me that may “come on strong” that I need God most.  It’s also especially difficult and awkward to try to explain why you are suddenly a bundle of tears.  I’d rather not.

 

Keeping my emotions in check is not a natural trait for me.  I also know it is best and right to allow the Spirit of God to control my emotions rather than allow them to control me.  People are a lot less likely to get hurt this way, and I enjoy life more.  My focus cannot be on how I feel because feelings are unstable and changing.  I do not make decisions based on how I feel.  I make decisions based on what is right because I may not always “feel” like doing the right thing.  Plus, I want “an others” focus, not a self-focus for my life, like Jesus. 

 

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus”  (Phil 4: 7, NLT). 

 

So maybe this takes a mad dash to the river every once in a while.  But it’s worth it to experience the peace that really does surpass my understanding. 

 

Me and my crazy dog.

I was so exasperated!  My beautiful but insanely crazy Australian Shepherd was draining me of energy and my normal critter compassion.  My patience was wearing thin and I was so close to a trip to the pound.  “And I chose you!” I yelled.  No sooner were the words out of my mouth and I felt the pang in my gut that said, “God’s not happy with that!”

Yes, I had chosen her.  She was so cuddly and cute as a puppy.  And the thought of her staying one more minute in that crowded, hot pet store crate seemed cruel.  Roger had been looking into the breed for a while and was surprised to actually find one in the store.  We went in there pretty often and had never seen one.  When he took me over to see her it was love at first sight.  She wasn’t your typical Aussie.  No, she was a White!  Blue eyes, a few brown and gray spots on her ear and hind legs, and a pink nose, beautiful!  We also knew she would be full of energy and would need lots of wide open space to run free.  This was not the dog for an apartment dweller, so we were sure the farm would be the perfect place for her.  

But she was older now and wreaking havoc around the house, scaring the grandkids, chasing the animals.  Our work situation was such that we weren’t home very much, and because she was so difficult to handle she spent a lot of time either on a chain or in her crate.  It brought me to tears knowing she was having to live this way.  I began praying that she’d calm down, that I’d see some change as she got older.  A friend prayed with me when I got to work one morning in tears.  Roger always said he wouldn’t have a critter that he wouldn’t pray for! 

When I heard myself yelling at her that day, I could immediately hear the Lord saying the same thing about me.  He chose me.  He drew me to Himself.  He rescued me.  And how often He must be exasperated with me in my stubbornness!  How patient He had been with me over the years, teaching me, growing me, loving me.  Tilly needed my loving attention and determined teaching, not my anger and exasperation. 

I quickly thanked the Lord for the “slap on the face”, reminding me of His grace and patience, and began praying about an intentional plan of action for me and my crazy dog.  I had read in my research that as a working breed they needed to feel useful or they are miserable.  It had escaped me that I needed to find ways to help her feel like she had a purpose other than being cute and cuddly.  So, I set out to get some things that would help me accomplish this with her.  Then, I established a routine so that she would know what to expect.  It would be her time to be with us.  Our work situation had recently changed, so this was now going to be possible on a daily basis!  It’s just like God to concern Himself with the things that matter so much to us!  And if it didn’t work out, I’d love her regardless and have no regrets. 

In just a short period of time she has become such a loving and good dog.  Her excitement still gets the best of her at times, but it’s not frightening to the children or destructive, and it’s quickly reigned in as she learns to listen more and more.  My crazy dog and I have learned some things.  So thankful God is patient with me, ever teaching, ever loving me closer to Himself. 

Yes, I chose Tilly.  And it makes my heart glad. 

Are You Listening to Me?

“And the Lord God said…”  Genesis 2:18

The LORD GOD said [bold, caps, underlined…emphasis mine!]

It’s a brand new year!  If you’re reading this, we’re off on yet another adventure.  We have been given one more day to LISTEN!  If there is one thing I want to do this year, it is hear what the Lord God says.

I finished a different through-the-Bible plan this year with a Promise Bible my hubby purchased for me last Christmas while visiting our oldest son and his family.  Every day, I was drawn to it like a magnet.  I didn’t always get to read each daily segment, but I was so conscious of it when I didn’t, so wanting to “catch up” or, not wanting to get too far behind.  We ended this year on a trip also, a whirlwind kid/grandkid tour starting in Atlanta with our youngest son and his fam, stopping back in WV overnight to hear our second son preach and spend a “Christmas evening” with them. Then it was on to Indiana to see the oldest and his fam.  We brought the New Year in with the number- 3 son and his fam in Philadelphia.  Since I had my Promise Bible with me, ending 2014, I started over on the first of 2015.  These beginning chapters in Genesis were so familiar.  But there were certain words and phrases that just kept grabbing my attention: God created; the Spirit of God moved; God saw; God divided; God called; God said; God made;  God set them; God blessed them; God ended His work.  Then, all of a sudden a change occurs in chapter 2 verse 4.  It now begins to say, “the LORD God made”; the LORD God formed; the LORD God planted; the LORD God commanded; the LORD God caused; the LORD God said. 

The powerful Creator God became personal, intimate. 

The name “LORD God” was so intimate that the Jewish tradition did not allow for it to be spoken.  We know it as Yahwey, Jehovah.  Too holy to voice, too sacred to even spell, it was YHWY. But not only did God the Creator perform all these wonderful acts, He desired from the beginning to communicate with His creation.  And He has not stopped.  After all, what is a relationship without communication??  And what would our world be without words, spoken or written?  God is all about words.  In fact, He is the Word ("In the beginning was the Word, the Word was with God and the Word was God," John 1:1).  He is speaking.  The problem is that we’re not listening. 

Yes, the Scripture is familiar to me.  I have read it all my life.  I have made it a point to learn it, memorize it, and apply its Truth.  Maybe for you it is new, maybe a bit overwhelming.  Maybe you are doubting its relevance in our world today or intimidated or even angered by its authoritative nature.  Regardless, God has spoken.  He is the great Creator God, the LORD God, and He wants us to hear what He has to say.  It matters.  Whether it is a passage of Scripture you have read a hundred times, or you have just read it for the first time, it is now a part of you and it is alive and powerful.  It can change you, cheer you, encourage you, guide you, teach you, correct you, instruct you, empower you, help you, heal you, save you.  JUST LISTEN! 

“Did you hear the words coming out of my mouth?!”  I’ve said that from time to time to one of my boys or one of the many God has given me to care for, when I just knew that somewhere between the words leaving my mouth and being put into action, they just got lost!  The connection was never made between what I had just said and what they had just heard.  It was obvious that even though they heard what I said, they did not listen!  Listening involves more than just hearing.  Until there is impact or action there is no listening. 

The LORD God has spoken people, and I want to listen, more now than ever before.  I want it to penetrate my heart and life, bringing me into an even deeper understanding of His grace, His power, His love.  And I want to act on it in abandon, letting it work itself out in my every deed. I hope you do too.  It could make all the difference in how 2015 plays out.   

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!