Thursday, August 26, 2010

the Chalk Drawing

As the chalk artist put the final touches on his drawing, I sat there in the pew struggling to even see it through the tears. It was beautiful, but it made me so angry. It showed Moses there on the top of Mount Pisgah looking out over ‘the Promised Land’. God was giving Moses an opportunity to see it, but he would not go in. In his face was the look of deep longing, but at the same time, acceptance and a depth of understanding and contentment. Had the artist really captured that, or was that just what I was seeing?

That was over 30 years ago, but I remember so vividly the strong emotion, the questions that filled me as I went over the story in my mind. What a struggle raged in me; and it would have to be settled before leaving the church that evening. Somehow I knew this was not just about Moses. This was about where I was going in my relationship with God from that point forward. Would I be able to trust Him to do right? At the time, what He chose for Moses just didn’t seem quite fair to me. Yes, Moses had made some mistakes; he had sinned. But he had been forgiven, right? God used him in tremendous ways as a great leader. He had done so much, put up with so much. I didn’t understand it all then, but I did know that faith involved trusting even when I didn’t understand. But that would mean I wouldn’t be in control anymore. God would have to be.

Things have always been so black and white for me; cut and dried, yes or no, all or nothing, no middle of the road. So if I took this step I knew there was no turning back regardless of where it took me. And deep down that’s what I wanted, something genuine, something bigger than me, something with meaning and purpose, but at what cost? Jesus was trying to show me that my relationship with Him could be more than just knowing I was going to heaven when I died. It could be more than just knowing the Bible stories, more than just being “a pretty good person”. But I would have to learn what it meant to really trust Him and trust His ways. I went forward that night to affirm my decision and left that evening knowing my life had taken a significant turn. I was able to surrender my anger, my disbelief at how God had chosen to deal with Moses. I was able to tell Him I wanted to trust, but I would need His help.

A lot of years have passed. I’m grateful for the lessons learned, the love and hunger the Lord gave me for His Word, the wise and mentoring women He has allowed me to know and be impacted by. And every time I have trusted Him, with everything from life-changing decisions to my daily routine and everything in between…He has proven I can trust Him more. I can trust Him for guidance. I can trust Him with relationships. I can trust Him when life’s events just don’t make any sense to me. I can trust Him with all the inconsistencies and unfairness. I can trust Him with the choices and philosophies and behaviors of others that I cannot control or change. And I must confess this is my greatest challenge. I’m the one that sees things cut and dried, black and white, remember? So things are either right or they are wrong. Sometimes the frustration and irritation, the disappointment and disillusionment, is a major battle, because it often appears that gray is the choice of color for so many. I must continually rely on the Lord for His patience, understanding, and resolve when mine is slipping away. Am I the only one that just wants to “shake some sense” into people every once in a while??? But that’s not my job. My job is not to set right all the wrongs. My job is not to champion all the causes. My job is not to make others simply do the right thing (simply??). That’s God’s job, and I must let Him do His job. My responsibility, my great blessing, is to trust, yielding to Him with a willing acceptance.

“Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?” (Genesis 18:25) Yes, but at times it seems as though it won’t be in my lifetime! And that may be so, but that is His business. In my passion , when I resort to the ways of the ‘Sons of Thunder’ and just want to ‘call fire down from heaven’, I am quickly humbled with God’s patient care of me and find myself asking Jesus for His holy sweetness (I am quite aware I will not melt in a downpour!).

The chalk artist left a drawing with the host pastor that night, who later became my father-in-law. When packing for a move to another ministry, Dad decided to give the drawing to me. Unrolling the canvas, I should not have been surprised to find it was ‘my Moses’ picture! God has such a sense of humor. Seeing it this time however, stirred no anger, only a warm acceptance and gratitude. The drawing is long gone, lost in the many moves and turns my life has taken. The message etched on my heart that night remains. I don’t always understand His ways, but I don’t doubt His love. It is strong and forever. I am confident He will always do what is right and what is best. He has proven it over and over again.

I can trust Him.