Riding back to the farm in the back seat, holding on to Abby
the goat, I smiled to think how much my life has changed. I am so utterly humbled to reflect on where
God has brought us from, and what He has brought us to; what He has done to us,
given to us. My dream from the time I
was a little girl was different than most I guess. When someone would ask me what I wanted to be
when I grew up, a nurse perhaps? A
business woman? Yes, I thought about
those things as a young girl. Never any
dreams of a ballerina or rock star or anything like that! Mechanic, yes…racecar
driver…yes. But as I moved into high school and began to think more seriously
about my future, all I really wanted was to have a family. My dreams were of a big farm house with a
wrap-around porch, lots of critters, and lots of children.
When Rog and I first stepped onto the property we knew it
was something special. I wondered at
first if it could even be possible to ever call it home. It was the big
farmhouse of my dreams, with a wrap-around porch. There was a beautiful barn, and room! We are so grateful to God that we now call it
home since last August. The addition of critters was not even questioned since
kids and critters have pretty much been our life. In fact, our “boys” (our 8 alpacas) moved
onto the property before we did, part of a rescue of sorts that we took on when
presented with the opportunity. Since
that time we’ve added laying hens, rabbits (not just pets but will be producing
for meat), and now Abby the goat who is with child, or “kid” I guess I should
say. And I can’t forget the two dogs and
the big gray barn cat. I’m pretty sure there will be more to come as we commit
to care for whatever and whomever God brings our way.
In July Roger and I will be renewing our wedding vows here
on the farm, celebrating 35 years together.
God has been so gracious and faithful.
We’ve taken a few twists and turns on this wild ride. I don’t know that I ever looked into our
future and saw Rog and I coming home to our own farm with our oldest
granddaughter (of 16 grandchildren) and a goat in the back of a Jeep! I must
confess, my daydreams were a bit more uh, dreamy than that! But here we are.
And where is “here” exactly, I mean really? Because home for
us has never actually been about a place. “Here” is together. Home has always
been wherever we were as a family, together…a small, desperately-in-need-of-renovation
apartment; a camping trailer; rooms above the kitchen of a church gymnasium; a
retirement complex (that one was especially interesting, since we weren’t the
retirees at the time). Why together? Because we have chosen to be. Doesn’t love have anything to do with it, you
ask? Don’t misunderstand, it has a lot
to do with it. I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. I still remember admitting to myself for the
very first time that I loved him. I
didn’t want to at first. You see, I
wasn’t one of those girls that threw that “I love you” phrase around like lose
change. I had observed first hand too
many couples, shipwrecked, broken, that I thought would never be torn
apart. Family, people I loved, had hurt
so deeply. I decided pretty quickly that
“I love you” was going to mean something when I said it. That was largely insecurity and fear couched
in a conjured up self-confidence, and it could have cost me a life that dreams
are made of. Well, my dreams. I still see the torment of battered and
bruised relationships all too often, and it still affects me deeply. I want to just fix it! I want to say “Stop!! God can turn this thing
around!” I have seen homes healed,
praise God, but not often enough.
All that said, choosing to stay together no matter what (and
there has been some “what”!) has deepened our love. It has strengthened our resolve to listen and
understand and forgive. Every couple deals with “what”. Some just decide to bail rather than build, when
it becomes so complicated, when the hurt is so devastating, when the damage
appears unrepairable. We could have
bailed at a number of points along the way…and sacrificed a future that
includes too many blessings to count, and it’s not over! But many of those blessings came as the
result of a heart humbled by God that brought me to a place where I was finally
willing to surrender my stubborn will to His.
I needed to be willing to change my life in order to experience His plan
for me. It meant a lot of letting go, a
lot of giving over to God as he shaped me and changed me into the person He
wanted me to be. It was the person I really
wanted to be and the life I wanted to have, but knew I could never get there on
my own. I’m still a work in progress.
I’m thankful that I stopped pursuing my own plans. I’m even more grateful that God has made His
timeless Truth available to me to rely on, instead of how I feel. My feelings
are totally unpredictable and unreliable when left unguided and unchecked. The wisest choices are made based on what you
know to be right and true, not on how you feel.
And the Bible is the ultimate authority on what is right and true. This one life choice, acceptance of God’s
authoritative Truth and then, obedience to it, has made all the
difference. When I didn’t feel like
staying faithful, I did. When I didn’t
feel like I could give any more, I did.
When I didn’t feel like I could say” I’m sorry, please forgive me”, I
did. When I did not feel like I could
say “I forgive you”, or “I understand”, or “We’re in this together”, I did;
when I felt like just walking away from it all, I didn’t. Not because I’m so great; but because God is
so great.
I’m far removed from a newly-married teenage girl of 18
in a Chevy Luv pick-up truck, coming across country with two dogs in tow, and
pregnant. I could write a book, maybe
only one that I’d be interested in reading but hey, that’s an idea…”A Life
Worth Living, (but not worth reading about)”!
Actually, my husband has claimed this title first so maybe I’ll just
have him write the book! Years down the road, I’m sure I’ll find myself reflecting once
again on just how much my life has changed. I’ll look back and smile as I remember riding
back to the farm in the back seat of our Jeep with my granddaughter, and Abby.
Just one of a million sweet
memories I’ll have tucked away from a lifetime of days ---a ride home with a goat.
